It’s the last day of the year, and here I am, propped up in my bed as usual, contemplating the dying year, life at large and the budding little embryo of a new year that, finally, lies ahead of us.
I have always loved the New Year’s celebrations (especially in my parents’ house). There is something almost magical about the ambience of the New Year’s night; and as the bell rings out its final tolls for the dying year, the sense of relief is nigh on palpable.
For as long as I can remember, I have spent this night meditating and writing my New Year’s resolutions.
Little messages, or letters, to draw courage and energy from when the new year offers resistance, and the cold winds of doubt and despair make it hard to hold on to anything at all.
When the liars’ choir in the back of my head have neared their crescendo, my resolutions have been there to remind me of who I am and what I’m about.
What I fight for and what I’m trying to achieve.
My self-esteem has always been frustratingly frail, but my self-confidence – and particularly my, almost arrogant, conviction that I can fend for myself no matter what – was pretty much intact until 2011 (but that is a story for another day).
Even in situations where every single option failed, my self-confidence always carried me through.
My self-confidence and my resolutions.
Tonight, for the first time in many, many years, I won’t be writing any resolutions. Not a single little letter will be penned to myself to hang on to during the year ahead.
I have no resolutions to make. Not a single one. Yet I haven’t run out of dreams, ambitions and things that need to be done. Not in the least. The reason I can’t think of anything to write tonight is that I still have a lot left to do on last year’s resolutions.
Now, I suppose that must sound as if I, like most people, couldn’t bring myself to change the things I wanted to change. Or do the things I wanted to do. Well, I’m actually rather proud to be able to say that nothing could be further from the truth. If anything, I managed (against all odds!) to surpass even my wildest dreams and expectations.
LET'S DO THE COUNTDOWN TOGETHER...
Last year, I aimed higher than ever before and wrote resolutions that, quite frankly, scared the sh*t out of me. And I made sure to be very specific in my descriptions, as I wanted to close all potential loopholes. I know myself well enough to realise that if there’s a back door somewhere, I’ll be the first to pry it open and bolt the moment things start to feel too emotionally draining or intimidating.
But this time there won’t be a way out!
Ms Styf, the blog where the post you’re reading at the moment was posted, was born as a result of last year’s resolutions. As I’m writing this, it’s not officially launched yet. It’s a small cog in a bigger machine that I’m very proud (and scared!) to be working on. And that I will continue to work on for the next two to five years if all goes to plan.
Which, and I want to be very clear on this, is not something I take for granted. Hell, no! If anything, I am pretty convinced that this is a mad hubris project that will sprout wings one day only to swoop in and bite my backside off when I least expect it. Hence the element of fear I mentioned earlier,
I can’t tell you exactly what this machine is all about yet, but there’s a lot of writing involved! And, between you and me, keeping an eye on this page (or signing up for my newsletter that will take off at some point next year) is a good way to be kept in the loop. And to learn more about many different things, including yours truly and the weird and wonderful journey that lead me to this bed in the outskirts of London where I spend 98% of my time.
The Plan is for Ms Styf to be officially launched by the end of March, and to have weekly updates posted here from September. But for that to happen, there is still a lot that I need to get done. Starting tomorrow.
Tonight, I’m treating myself to a sweet stroll down Memory Lane while I relish those special New Year’s night’s vibes.
We did it!
In spite of everything life has thrown at us, we’ve made it through to the very end of yet another year. And here we are, in the final hours of 2019, just waiting for the moment when we get to step into the new year and breathe new life into our lungs and hearts.
Can you hear the bells ring out the old?
Come! Help me with the countdown and I’ll see you on the other side!
12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7…